Dukes of Delusion

They said they wanted silence. Freedom. A peaceful life away from the cameras.  And then they proceeded to give interviews about wanting privacy…on camera.

At this point, “we want a private life” has become less of a principle and more of a marketing slogan. No one has monetized leaving the spotlight quite like two people who refuse to step out of it.

That is the great comedy of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle: they denounce the institution that made them famous while cashing checks written in its shadow. They want distance from the Crown, but not so much distance that the titles stop working.

And Meghan’s branding? It often feels like royalty ordered from Temu.  All the beige self-importance of aristocracy, but with none of the history, duty, wit, or mystique. A duchess by marriage, a lifestyle influencer by her own claim, and somehow both overdressed and underqualified for the role she keeps trying to invent.

Case in point: the $64 candle. Eight and a half ounces of wax, wrapped in self-regard, launched on what would have been the 100th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II. Some people honor a legacy. Others release luxury home fragrance, inspired by the children she claims she is protecting from the public eye. (And the inspo for this post because for the love of God why would they pick THAT DAY to launch a stupid candle?!)

And the handwriting. My GOD, the handwriting. I cannot stand it. Now, I have neat handwriting myself (thank you, Catholic school), but Meghan's handwriting it calligraphy. Nobody writes like that, Meghan!  Every loop and flourish screams, “Please notice me being elegant.” It doesn’t look natural. It looks like the font equivalent of trying too hard. I'm sure her grocery list looks like a formal invitation to a wedding that you don't want to go to. I'm kidding, of course. I highly doubt she writes grocery lists.

Then there are the children— oh, the mysterious children. They presented just enough for publicity, never enough for privacy, always somehow looking like they were collected moments before the photo was taken. Usually, photos or videos taken from the back so we can't see their faces, in rumpled clothes, odd styling, without brushed hair, and if you are Meghan's daughter, no shoes in sight. California may be casual, but tetanus remains bipartisan. Put freaking shoes on that kid.

Meanwhile, Harry looks like a man who ordered freedom online and received consequences in the mail. He rarely appears happy—just permanently stranded somewhere between resentment and confusion. I fully believe that he might not regret leaving The Firm, because he wasn't getting what he wanted there, but he is definitely not getting what he wants now. Maybe it all wasn't so bad, huh, Spare?

Then come the money whispers: inheritances allegedly thinner than expected (Diana's inheritance is reportedly gone), giant deals less giant than advertised, (The Netflix and Spotify deals were overestimated), two mortgages on a $14 million Montecito mansion, endless projects, endless pitches, endless Hollywood party crashes, endless reinventions. For a couple so committed to “living their truth,” they spend an awful lot of time chasing invoices. And spending an awful a lot of time whoring themselves out to sell overpriced jams. Meghan has proven herself time and time again to be a cash grabber and mix that with someone who grew up not needing a personal bank account, there is no way that they are financially stable. 

And yet they still seem convinced their names alone should open every door. In reality, for many people on both sides of the Atlantic, those names now inspire the same reaction: an eye roll so powerful it deserves its own coat of arms. They are a couple consisting of one narcissist and one confused prince who has no place living in common society. How the hell did they think they would find common ground?

Because the problem was never leaving royal life. The problem is believing that grievance is a personality, victimhood is a business model, and relevance can be sustained forever on recycled outrage.

Being the royalist I am, I am still completely gutted at what Prince Harry threw away, and it is hard to understand the reason why if that reason isn't because of Meghan. In America, we call that eating out of the trash. 

The monarchy moved on. The audience is trying to.